I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
