So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Randomize
