He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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