Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
