fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Randomize
