Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
