I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Randomize
