I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Randomize
