Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
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