what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Just took my morning after pill in the library
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Randomize
