here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
