She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
