I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I DON'T KNOW WHERE WE ARE WE ARE TOO FUCKING ELEVATED.
Me either! Fuck yeah, 12th and something. 12th and hamburger stand.
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
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Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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