i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
