Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
