When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
