just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Randomize
