dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
bring money and cleavage
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Randomize
