Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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