Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Randomize
