life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Randomize
