I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
