i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I want her autograph on my taint
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Randomize
