based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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