I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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