I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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