I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
