Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
