Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
