I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
