I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
