It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Randomize
