I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
