I will die if light touches me.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Randomize
