OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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