Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Randomize
