Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Randomize
