Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Randomize
