how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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