Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Randomize
