i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
