I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I just pynch a tree in the face
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Randomize
