I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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