I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Randomize
