If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
