i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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