Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I can feel your judgement through the phone
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
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