im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Randomize
