I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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