FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
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