Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
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