piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
