he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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