that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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