I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
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